Lately I’ve been asking for what I want.
Whether it be boundaries, space, or more communication in a relationship.
Or more money and flexibility at work.
Or for my voice to be heard: together and alone.
I’m speaking up. I’m being authentic. I’m asserting my needs and wants with more confidence.
I believe in energy. Giving, receiving, and attracting energy. Living in the energy we want to experience to experience more of it. And in an age of “manifest whatever you want,” we forget to talk about the fact that any change, even good change, even change we instigate or ask for, is hard.
I’m watching my life shift into what I believe serves me more authentically right now, which is really cool! But:
I am experiencing sadness. What I’m used to and who I’m used to, may not align with me anymore. There’s loss.
I am experiencing discomfort. Some days I don’t have the energy to keep living in the new space because the old space is more familiar, it’s safe. I retreat back to the comfort and then get confused and frustrated and launch forward into my new space again. There’s risk.
I am experiencing anxiety. I miss the people that are falling away as I better understand who I am in this moment, and I ram trying to come to terms with the fact that some of them may not like me anymore. Nor I, them. Beyond that, I don’t have the answers to the questions of “what do I want?” or “what goals do I have?” as I once did. There’s a lack of clarity.
I spend a lot of time wondering what the point of this life is; what the purpose of my time on Earth is. And more often than not, I come to the conclusion that there isn’t one. With that, I feel free to live with more abandon, chasing the moments that feel good, worrying less about the long-term. Thinking that loving others, connecting with others, laughing with others, being present in our experiences are the only things we need. But I also feel a bit lacking. Lacking of motivation, of desire, of hope. Of fulfillment, even?
We have time. We have energy. We have choice.
Often when I write, I find a conclusion. It’s comforting, it provides closure, it makes me feel that sense of purpose I long for. But this time, I resolve with questions. Open to the idea that perhaps there are no clear answers. Leading me again to the idea that we get to choose what those answers are for ourselves. We get to decide how to live our lives based on those beliefs.
And we can, in any moment, decide to change our answers and live in a completely different way.
Forever living MAVERICK.