New year, new focus.
I’m ready to find “The One.” And no, I don’t necessarily believe that there is one person for everyone, a soul mate, but I do know that I am done being single. I have spent enough time with myself, I have healed, I have learned how to be myself despite who’s around me, and I know what I want: both in life and in a man.
Sure, I have been actively dating for over a year now, but it’s been mostly casual, as I’ve kept everyone at arms length. I’m ready to let someone in; ready to build a life with someone.
So buckle in, because I’m about to be way-to-honest about my dating life. This is legitimately my journal, and at the time of writing it, I had no intention of publishing it. But, in a never-ending quest to be transparent, I’m hitting “publish.”
I’ve made all the names single-letters out of respect to the men who’ve crossed my path.
2021. Let’s do this.
Side-note to everyone who feels the need to comment on and/or pray for my well-being, you may not like what you read here. Please don’t mention anything about the devil preying on me just because I like to have sex outside of marriage. I see you, I appreciate your love, and I am touched that you want to be a part of my life even though we are far apart now, but please respect my life choices.
I’m currently in a mountain town in North Carolina, just outside of Asheville – Black Mountain. I travelled here from Tybee Island, GA; I drove there on a whim to meet a boy. No, I’m not joking. I packed my car after Christmas with my parents and was planning on going right back to Chicago, but it’s 20 degrees there. And did I mention there was a boy in GA? He’s from Chicago, but was out traveling for the duration of the quarantine, and after a few months of chatting, he said he’d be happy to meet me somewhere.
A 14-hour car ride later, I was in Georgia. I am deeply motivated by the prospect of relationship… it is what it is.
That’s what I want. I want it so badly, I cry about it most nights when all the distractions fade. Every stranger I make eye contact with, the thought flashes through my brain “are you the one I’m supposed to meet?” On one hand it’s cute… I do like believing in magic and the idea that any person I come across can be someone I connect with. It’s very exciting. On the other hand, I judge every single man who crosses my path – would he even be worthy?
Anyway. Love. I want to fall in love.
I believe I am in love. With A1. But he isn’t ready to be in love. He’s out on his own adventure. And he’s made it very clear I could never fully have him. It breaks my heart every time he calls, every time he sends me a video of his latest hike… he’s “the one that got away,” and I can’t wait for him.
So, correction… I want to be in love, mutually.
I’ve had some decent prospects this past year: Z over the summer… very cute. Very smart. VERY good sex. But ultimately his social anxieties, selfishness with his time, and an inability to communicate were the end. I also just didn’t feel like myself around him. I was afraid to talk, let loose, or share the things I was thinking about.
J after that. We had been talking for months, and finally met for a few drinks. I wasn’t super attracted to him, but the conversation was great. I really felt like I could let my brain be 100% itself and we had a natural bouncing back and forth with between silly and serious. He would disappear for weeks at a time though. Then come back like nothing had happened. I needed more attention, and he preferred to give it to his work.
Then B. We hung out a few months while I was in Jersey. It was okay – he was funny, tall, a great cook, and actually enjoyed spending time together. But, he talked over me, was unable to communicate his feelings, and was a little too nerdy for me. Also he owned a house in NJ, and I definitely did not want to stay there forever.
Then D. D wasn’t anything… just someone I connected with hard and fast on one of the ultra running groups on Facebook and I knew he only lived an hour north of Chicago. But, he was interested. Like genuinely, asking serious questions, wanted to be with me INTERESTED. But then one night, after a casual conversation about how I wanted to travel, he just disappeared. Daily good-morning texts went silent. He responded to my instigations with one-worded, push-off phrases, but nothing more. Finally I confronted him and asked what happened. He said he had kids and couldn’t leave his home and couldn’t hold me back. And that was it. He blocked me from everything: Facebook, Insta, and I assume text, but I didn’t try to reach out after that. Every fiber of my being wanted to reach out to him, explain my truth, beg him to give me a chance, just because I was so into the mutual wanting of one another – but I. DONT. CHASE.
The same thing with J2. Super cute guy, was very interested in serious is-this-going-to-work long-term type questions. Then poof. Gone. We had plans to talk on the phone one night, but there was only silence. It didn’t make any sense. The only thing I can think of is he was digging for more Facebook/Insta followers since he’s an actor. This is me though… and even after almost a week of zero contact, there was a part of me that thought, “maybe there was an emergency and he’ll reach out when things calm down. It can still work.” But no… let’s be real…
With the last two I’m just avoiding a deeper insecurity, which is “what’s wrong with me that guys don’t want me?” And I know the truth, which is that there’s nothing wrong with me. Everyone is on their own journey, and one’s actions very rarely have anything to do with anyone else, it’s just choices they make for themselves. It’s illogical to convince someone to be with you who very clearly does not want to be. Yet, it’s so easy to try and force it just so you can prove to yourself that you’re “like-able.” Ahh the human brain vs emotions… so fascinating.
Now A2. A2 is the guy I travelled to GA to meet. He’s very cute, we have great conversations, and we’re similar in all the right places. When we met, I couldn’t tell he was into me. He kept zoning out, and didn’t really do any of the traditional moves of leaning in, touching me, or really any flirting at all. But then we went back to his apartment after dinner and he did all those things. We ended up hooking up, and it was actually really good. He’s got a good **** and knows what to do with it. But then we hung out the next day and it was like nothing ever happened. So weird. That night the same thing happened… it’s like he flipped a switch: “ok, I’m ready to be cute now.” I don’t know. It just felt like I was waiting for him to be ready each day. But we hung out often, had really good conversations, really good sex, and even discussed what the future would look like if we were to seriously date when we were both done galavanting around the country.
But the truth is I’m not feeling it. Not really anyway. Sure, the good stuff is good, but it just feels like going through the motions. I want more than that. I want someone to want me. I want to fall in love. I want to build a life with someone, not just keep living and once in a while connect with a familiar person.
A friend said something that really messed with me. She said “give it time, maybe it’ll become more.” Is that true? I don’t think that’s true. Why should I “settle?” But I have to honestly look at myself and wonder, are my expectations too high? Am I dreaming of something that’s impossible?
Why can’t I take Z’s looks, J1’s conversational skills, A2’s drive/spontaneity, and D/J2’s desire to know me and have that all wrapped up in one beautiful man and live happily ever after? Wow… B isn’t even mentioned in there… and I “dated” him the longest. I guess I’ll take his cooking skills. Yes, they were great!
Or why can’t A1 be here and be willing… that would be easy, right?
Do you know that in-between the times I was writing and drinking my IPA flight during this post, I considered paying for a Zoosk account? And I downloaded Tinder, which I said I would never do. All the while I’ve kept my eye on the table in front of me because there’s dudes there and I want them to want me.
Oof. Guys… what is this? I’ve spent so much time learning how to be myself, how to listen to myself, how to communicate, how to heal from trauma and navigate my needs to better be open to connecting with others. And now… now I’m longing so hard to share that with someone that it’s over-taking my every thought like a drunken teenager experiencing hormones for the first time.
Currently I use dating apps… because Rona. But, the truth is I have a real aversion to online dating being part of my story. It’s so impersonal. It’s so backwards: you see who’s “right” on paper and hope for the connection instead of feeling the connection and working through the details later. I know Rom-Com type meetings are unrealistically far and few between, but how I miss meeting new people the old-fashioned way.
Here’s the real kicker… every time I get in this headspace where I wonder if I’ll ever find “the one,” (or rather, the next one) I think about M. M… a girl. Not something I ever considered for myself, but I met her and for the first time a few years ago and thought, “wow, I could see myself with a woman, and happily.”
Ultimately, I want love. I don’t care who it’s with or what it looks like, as long as it’s real. The honest kind that is full of fun, passion, and really knowing one another.
Maybe I’m too picky. I can admit to that. I want the “perfect” person, and I can’t pretend that I don’t. But, I also refuse to settle for just okay. I’ve done that before and it wasn’t okay. For me or for them.
So here’s me. I’m young, I’m beautiful, I’m driven, I’m honest (for better or worse), I’m a big-dreamer, and I value communication above all else.
And I love a good jaw line.
Do you or someone you know like to keep physically fit, travel, and find it endearing when a woman is a wild-spirit? Then I’m here, I’m ready, and I want to meet you/him/them.
My name is Maggie.
I’m 30 years old, I’m well educated, and I’m employed.
I love humans more than anything on the planet and look for any opportunity to get to know someone and understand their passions/what makes them tick.
I prefer beer to wine.
I prefer dogs to cats.
I prefer dogs to kids.
I thrive on adventure and laughter.
I’m looking for something serious. I’m looking for someone who knows how to communicate. I’m looking for someone smart, witty, healthy, and ready for a never-ending adventure.
Lover, where are you?