How did I get here? Again? I thought I was better.
I remember back to the day when I woke up and realized my life wasn’t mine. That I had been allowing the people in my life to shape it because of my deep-seated fear of being alone; of disappointing anyone or pushing them away.
What is it that caused me to WAKE UP and make the changes? I know the how. I know the questions I asked myself, the risks I took, and the process I followed to free myself from that unfit situation. But what was it that drove me to take the action? What was the motivation?
And how do I access it again?
Because I feel off… again.
I worry because I believe the answer is “pain.” I had felt such pain and emptiness that my only option was to take action. Can we not move and grow and change without pain to force us into it?
Yet, I find myself falling into some of the same habits from back then. I’m saying “yes” to things (and people) that bring my energy down. I’m jumping at opportunities that may not be right for me just for the adrenaline rush. I am isolating, yet wondering why I feel lonely. I am letting time pass as I numb-out in mindless activities, letting distant daydreams of achieving my goals push me down a pit of unworthiness; worsened only by my compulsive need to compare myself to others. I am making grandiose announcements of my positive intentions, then allowing myself to feel small because I can’t find the energy to follow through.
I’ve travelled down this pit before. It’s all looking too familiar.
I’m MAVERICK. Aren’t I?
I know who I am. Don’t I?
I’m strong, and smart, and I’ve done so much to grow my business – I am proud of who I’ve become! Right?
And it’s with those questions I look to others. I crave that validation. The praise. The accolades. And then I beat myself up for craving such things. Am I that self-involved that I need every detail of my life approved by others to feel happy?
“You’re dramatic. You’re selfish. You’re desperate. And no one wants to be around that.”
Those are the words on replay in my mind. And I don’t want to believe them, but it’s hard not to. Because I do talk about myself – and my “stuff” – a lot. And my business isn’t where I want it to be. And I’m single. And I feel that desperate energy radiating inside me. There’s so much I want, and I am completely consumed by the fact that I don’t yet have it.
When I first moved across the country, high on my MAVERICK-energy and ready to build a life I could be proud of, I felt invincible. I was invincible. I was so proud of the struggle I had gone through and the strength it created inside to be bold and follow my truth. I was able to communicate my needs, protect my spirit, and create the things I dreamed about. It felt easy. My energy was pure, and light, and free.
I remember driving through Death Valley with the windows down; everything was so clear. A song I had heard 100x during that drive was playing in the background, but it provided the perfect soundtrack to the moment. I had my hand out the window and was letting the wind move it up and down. I felt so alive; like I was exactly where I was meant to be; exactly who I was meant to be. I felt trust. In the Universe and in myself. I had put in the work, done the healing, and I believed that the Universe was mirroring back to me all the ease and joy I was emanating.
I didn’t expect that I’d have to continue to fight for myself. I guess I thought that once I got to that “good place” within, it would just kind of always be there.
But I find myself hurting again. And feeling lost again. And asking those hard questions again. My new habits and routines don’t feel as authentic as they once did. And I am noticing that I am speaking differently. And acting differently. And wanting different things than I did back then.
We are human. We do change.
I am sure as hell not the same human being I was two years ago. I was shifting. I was moving from a place of people-pleasing to a place of self-exploration. This shifting required a wild kind of energy.
And oh my god… have I loved that wild energy. She has been fearless. And bold. And curious. She draws people in and makes them feel deeply. She has lead with integrity and risen above every challenge. She has power. She walks into a room and it’s hers. My gut does somersaults when I think about how sure she is. And she never gave a crap if anyone else around her approved of it. Because she approved of it.
Am I shifting again? Is that what this feeling is? A shift into the next phase of my life?
What if I don’t want to? I’m not ready to let the wild go. I remember as a teenager always wanting to embody that wild energy. And I finally got to be her. Please, Universe, don’t take it away.
Maybe it’s grief I’m feeling. I’ve never really had to deal with loss, or death, of anyone close to me. I’ve felt sadness, I’ve let go of people and things that I didn’t feel ready to, and I have felt the weight of heartbreak. But, not loss.
There’s 5 stages, right?
- Denial and Isolation. CHECK and CHECK
- Anger. CHECK
- Bargaining. CHECK
- Depression. CHECK
- Acceptance. NO CHECK
So… okay… I think I’m grieving. “Wild” MAVERICK is moving on. What’s next? Will I like her?
“Will I like her?”
Let’s stop for a minute.
“Will I like her?”
That question seems so wrong doesn’t it? I mean, it’s me. Regardless of what phase is coming next, what shifting is going on, what stage of growth I’m making my way through, I’m still me.
So, if I ask “will I like her?” then aren’t I really asking, “do I like myself?”
I don’t know if I do right now.
I loved the wild energy I was embodying during my time in Seattle. I loved being the girl who walked boldly into a room, could speak to anybody about anything, was sure of her words, and sought adventure. I loved that I wanted to be single, that I demanded deeper connection with the people in my life, and that I jumped at opportunities to go completely outside of my comfort zone.
Now? Now I walk into a room with my headphones in and my head down, hoping I don’t run into anyone I know. Now I can’t stomach the idea of going somewhere new by myself. Now I worry about how I look and what people think of me. Now I spend my days-off binging Netflix in bed. Now I lay awake at night swiping right on apps desperately hoping to find someone to build a life with, but hating the fact that people don’t meet in-person anymore. Now I look at all the notebooks on my desk full of to-do lists and business goals and I think, “am I sure I can do this?” Now I read books about childhood trauma and anxiety and wonder if there’s something permanently wrong with my brain that’ll keep me anxious and single forever.
Almost like that wild phase was just a dream, and not real life.
When did I retreat to this insecure person? How did this desperate people-pleasing energy creep it’s way back into my life?
I am MAVERICK. I am f-ing MAVERICK! (Anger? DOUBLE-CHECK!) I can’t go back to how it was before then. I can’t. And I won’t.
So now what?
Last time the answer was to build the foundation. Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I want? I built that foundation. And despite the grief-energy and the uncomfortable shifting… I still have that foundation. I do know who I am and what I stand for. That integrity and that vulnerability are still here. (Clearly, reminders are necessary.)
This time the answer is something different. Because the questions are different. How do I protect my foundation? How do I maintain my energy in an ever-changing world? How do I learn to love myself in every season of life? How do I learn to trust others with my vulnerabilities, not hide behind a screen?
This a season of nesting in the home I’ve built for myself. That’s the best way I can think of to describe it. I have the structure. MAVERICK is my structure. But a house only becomes a home when it is lived in.
I can make 1000 analogies here: the joys of hosting and decorating, the structural maintenance from natural wear and tear, etc. But, I’m going to stop here.
I chose to write today after a bit of a hiatus because I knew I needed to take action. I have been anxious, sleepless, nervous, restless, and what I would consider irresponsible for weeks now. High highs, low lows, and making every attempt to distract myself from what has been going on inside.
Greif. I guess that’s really what it is. Grieving the wild and preparing for next stage of the MAVERICK journey. Because you know I would never deliver something to you that I haven’t tested. I’ve been surviving for a long time, with glimpses into thriving. I believe this shift will lead into full-time thriving; full-time acceptance of self; full-time presence in the present.
Writing this was the first step. Taking a stand where I am and declaring that backwards is not an option. Forward may be uncomfortable, but “forward” is where the living is. So, forward I go.
It’s been real, my friend. I’m truly going to miss you. I trust your legacy will live-on in some way… as you’ve impacted my life so immensely. I know pieces of you will continue to reflect in the life that I live. And thank you. Thank you for filling my lungs with breath and my veins with blood. You brought me back to life. You gave me the strength to test my boundaries and expand my mindset. You were exactly who I needed, and I’ll never forget the time we spent together.
With all my gratitude,
Acceptance? I’m coming for ya’…!