I sent this text to my best friend on the East Coast today:
Having a moment, just gunna share out loud to make myself feel better:
I realized today as I watch this new show I’m into that every show I get attached to has the same theme… yes there’s laughing, crying, real-life drama, etc, but the biggest connection is that it’s always a connected group of people who know each other better than they know themselves. A group of people who do everything together, who celebrate big and small moments together, who share life together like it’s the most important thing in the world. And I long for that. So I watch the shows over and over and over again because somehow it makes me feel like I have it for a few minutes. Sometimes I worry that I’m too old to create that. I mean we have it, but we’re hundreds of miles apart, so I still long for it.
The longing is real…
So, yea, I don’t have a TV because I don’t like to get attached to shows. But, I’m a human, and it’s a Chicago winter, and I do still pull out my laptop and watch some things when I find myself needing to “check out.”
My go-to’s are pretty straight-forward: How I Met Your Mother, Parks and Rec, This Is Us, and most recently, A Million Little Things. And I often get teased for watching HIMYM over and over and over … and over! Seriously, I have watched pilot to finale at least a dozen times.
But, today I realized it’s just reflecting a piece of me that is missing. A piece that isn’t really a surprise; I’ve mentioned my need for connection once or twice in my postings. But, I guess I didn’t realize how big of a piece it was.
I am so focused on my vision, and what’s coming next, that I am not realizing the friendship-shaped hole that’s been created in my life. The one that I’m trying to fill with non-existent characters in 45-minute increments of time.
It’s scary, you know? As an adult? We don’t have daily classes, sports, or bands to draw us towards those potential friend candidates. We spend most of our days in a job, and despite connecting with coworkers, we may not want to spend time with others in that environment after quitting time. And yea we can go to classes, sports, bands, or other activities, but we really gotta put ourselves out there.
Maybe I’m a little extra apprehensive because I just moved… again. I mean I would have to go to all of these extra events by myself to start making friends. And it could be the extroverted Sagittarius in me, but I can barely run an errand by myself, let alone try something new. I am so much more confident and willing to meet new people when I know there’s at least one person there who will love me no matter what.
It’s interesting too, because the feeling of fear is overpowering logic. I have overcome the fear on multiple occasions to go out and meet people, and I’ve never regretted it. Even if it didn’t go the way I planned, it was never soul-crushing or painful. I either ended up with more connections, or I didn’t, but I never got hurt. It’s the same with dating right? You take a chance, and whatever the outcome, at least you tried.
I am, admittedly, so fixated on the end. The good bits. The part where we can be 100% ourselves, let our guard down, and know there’s always someone to call at the end of the day to come grab a beer with you. But it takes time and patience to get there.
Ugh patience. Never my strong suit.
Anyway, I am seeking. My side-gig requires connections to thrive, so I connect. I am in love with Crossfit, so I go and I connect. My day-job allows me to meet hundreds of people a day, so I serve and I connect. My heart is open to the idea that these connections will turn into friends. And these friends will turn into family.
I can easily tell others not to worry so much. To let things happen naturally. That if you seek it, it will happen. But it’s hard to believe that when you spend yet another day off alone in a new city, longing for that connection.
This isn’t a “woe-is-me” post. It’s just an honest one, as always. One that I hope allows you to get more in touch with your own longings; your own desire for connection with others. Or maybe I’m saying, “Hey Mavpack, I’m lonely and I need your support.”
As always, I hope this finds you well. And we’ll keep FLI-ing forward together!