Something is happening. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but things are changing. In me, around me, for me… something.

The change is uncomfortable, to say the least. You know those movie scenes where there’s a person standing in a crowd, and they’re perfectly still looking at the camera while everyone else is moving in hyper-speed around them? That’s the discomfort. Kind of like you’re watching your own life, or at least, watching life go on around you. But, it’s taking every ounce of energy you have to try and be present.

I can’t even say if this space is positive or negative. It just is. And I guess that’s where I’m at with it all today. I keep trying to define it, but does it really need to be defined? Knowing my track record, I’m always trying to do, do, do. Maybe I should just let this feeling be.

And I think about everything I’ve been saying and doing and believing in lately. I have been focused on what I want to attract: people, opportunities, finances, etc. I have been keeping my energy positive, knowing that the energy I put out is what I’ll receive.

So here I am in this spot. And it’s uncomfortable. And I don’t really like it. Even though it’s not negative by any means, it doesn’t feel as awesome as all the good stuff. I can want to feel awesome all the time right?

I find myself making space to just sit. To sit and be with myself. And I ask, “What do I do with this?” “What is this?” “What does this mean?”

What I found today is a new kind of freedom. You see, this space is allowing me to choose:

• I can choose to focus on what I don’t have: I am wanting to attract all of these wonderful things. I have desires so strong, I can physically feel them. Yet, they don’t exist yet. I believe they’re on their way to me… but, what if they don’t show up? And why haven’t they shown up yet? Am I “attracting” the wrong way?

OR

• I can choose to focus on what’s coming: This shift is exactly what I have been hoping for. This is the “calm before the storm,” if you will (A beautiful, glorious storm!). How can I say I want all of these things and then not expect my life to change? Here it comes! Let it be, let it happen, welcome it.

And they’re really interesting to me, these two choices. Because the first one, the “I don’t have” one puts me right back into a mindset that I’ve worked so hard to get away from. It puts me back in perfectionist mode, in go mode, in performance mode. Whereas the second one, the “here it comes” one, I get to just be. I literally don’t have to do anything but continue being grateful for where I am and what’s ahead of me.

Option two sounds a lot better doesn’t it? And easier, even?

So my question is, why does it hurt? Why do I have to sit and wonder if I’m “messing it up?” Why can’t the good stuff just show up without me having to be in this uncomfortable space?

I don’t have answers to those questions. I welcome ideas from anyone reading. My only thought is that maybe I don’t need to have the answers to the questions. Maybe instead of trying to make this more comfortable for me, I can just use this as an opportunity to build endurance. Maybe this is just the universe asking me if I am really ready, if I really know what I want.

o0o…

That line. Do I really know what I want? What if I do get everything I’m attracting and I realize it’s not actually what I want?

I just became present.

Sorry not sorry, I write while I’m working through ideas and thoughts sometimes. It helps me process them fully. And I am embodying R.awness by bringing you all along for the ride.

Anyway. I just acknowledged doubt and fear. I am doubting if the life I say I want is what I want. And I fear that I will be unhappy or unfulfilled when I receive everything I’ve been attracting.

But, to doubt and fear I say “who cares?” Seriously! Am I ever going to be stuck anywhere? Am I ever going to stop growing and evolving and attracting things that will be able to keep up with who I am becoming?

I don’t think there will ever be this “ah-ha” moment where you sit back and say, “Ok. I’ve got everything I want. Now I am happy. Now I will stop.” And why would you want to?! Because, wouldn’t we just stop living at that point?

BOOM!

Here come the good feels again! =)

Okay… so, things we’ve learned from this post? (Hopefully…)

• Our emotions are powerful tools. If you feel “out of it,” take some time to sit with it. Write (like me), meditate, draw, do whatever works for you. Just make sure you are listening.
• When we ask for change, we should expect it. Like when we hear that quote, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” If you are welcoming change into your life, you will need to make room for new habits. Including, new ways of thinking, being, and feeling. And that may be uncomfortable, but it’s not bad!
• In every moment we have a choice. Even when we are experiencing negative feelings like fear and doubt (like I was, above) we get to choose whether we are going to let the negative lead our emotions or whether we are going to acknowledge that they exist and redirect them.
• Just because we don’t feel the high of awesome energy all the time, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us, keep persevering!
• When attracting things into your life, be open to how that manifests. It may not (and actually probably won’t) happen in the way you think it will. But, that’s okay! The universe has got your back, trust it!

As always, I say thank you. Thank you for giving me the space to be me. And I trust that I felt lead to share this because someone else needed it just as badly as I did.